there’ll be days [weeks] like this

First thing I’d like to mention is that I am absolutely NOT writing this for sympathy or attention or whatever else may apply. I’m writing this blog entry because my anxiety is overtaking my brain & I needed a way to get it out. to write it down & hopefully ease some of this bullshit inside my head.

Anxiety fucking sucks & the depression that accompanies it is consuming. People ask why  I have anxiety & I’m like, “I ask god that all the damn time”

I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I just want to escape. Doctors don’t truly understand what it means to live with anxiety & all they ever do is medicate you. Meds aren’t always the answer. especially, if you’re like me & have every possible side effect (even the ones they swear don’t exist)

anxiety sucks.

I get angry & I take it out on those closest to me. I get angry that I let people treat me like  Shit& never stand up for myself, for fear that someone somewhere will hate me when in actuality, who the fuck cares if you like me?!

Anxiety makes me think some terrible shit & I wish it didn’t.

no sympathy needed. Just venting.

because anxiety sucks!

 

Anxiety on fleek

Sometimes I hate my anxiety. Like when it prevents me from hanging out & enjoying life or when I have days, like today, where my mind is so rapid fire & I worry too much about how people perceive me. It’s exhausting how my brain works. But what I do like about my anxiety are the bonds I’ve created with my fellow anxiety nutjobs. I also am lucky enough to have a few golden eggs in my tribe who have no idea what the fuck I’m freaking out over, but love me regardless. Holidays tend to bring my anxiety to the forefront and this year was no exception. So if you had to put up with my dramatic ass, I thank you.

Change of 💙

There are days I think about how my life would be, had I not had gastric bypass surgery. The nights when I’m sick to my stomach after 2 bites of whatever protein I’ve forcefully eaten. The nights when I take my iron meds & wonder if I’d be this severely anemic had I not gone under the knife. Mainly, it’s the nights when I worry about what tomorrow will bring.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. A holiday I loved for all the wrong reasons. Fat Megan loves carbs!

Even as I lay here, breathing through the nausea, my heart beats & I am reminded that had I not had gastric bypass surgery, I most likely would not be here tonight. My heart beats & that’s my change of 💙. I am thankful. This life, though never easy & sometimes unfair, is amazing. I will continue to power through the days when eating is a necessity. I will suffer through with the iron deficiency, exhaustion & nervous bowels.

I am thankful for all of it.

what my anxiety feels like to me

overwhelming.

An overwhelming need for freedom.

freedom.

Freedom from something I cannot explain.

explanation.

An explanation of something that has no true definition.

definition.

The definition of nothingness.

My anxiety feels like nothing and everything all at once.

There is no reason behind it. It just is. I am anxious. Always. I have bursts of what people refer to as “being dramatic” or “obnoxious” when in reality it is my anxiety at full throttle. I talk fast, I talk a lot, I over-share, and I make things seem worse than they actually are. Some people perceive my anxiety as completely made up. I agree with them, my mind is completely fucking me over. It makes me doubt my awesomeness, it makes me nervous about leaving the house, it isolates me from people, and it controls my life. There is this perception that people who have anxiety are using it as an excuse for attention. In my case, I tend to be the center of attention because I’m awkward, weird, funny, whatever you want to call it, so I can see where some people might misinterpret  my anxiety as a need to be the Kanye of the room. The problem with their perception & my reality, is that they can choose to walk away. I am stuck with just Kanye.

Although there are negatives to my anxiety, I am learning to look for the positives. My anxiety has opened the door to new friendships, deeper connections, and insights into a world that is completely magical. I am overwhelmed at times by how my mind works and sometimes I feel defeated when my mind refuses to shut down, but I am also amazed at how I am able to use that to connect with people in a way that others can only dream of.

My anxiety is real whether you choose to believe it or not and I’m ok with both options.

xo

mental illness.

Depression is defined as:  a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason…or in most cases: no reason at all.

Anxiety is defined as: distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune. (Mine is always worst case scenario, irrational, and yeah, I know it’s all in my head)

I was diagnosed with depression at 25. I also have anxiety. .I’ve dealt with anxiety my entire life. My mom would tell you that I had it even in the womb, as I was 3 weeks late and afraid of the birthing canal. (Dark tunnels still cause me fear.) Add to that, I have chronic headaches and migraines.  When you mix anxiety with depression it can be an extreme cluster fuck and cause chaos in your life. I literally can be fine one minute and a complete mess the next. I’ve lost friends and avoided relationships because of this. People want to understand, asking questions like, “there MUST be a reason why you’re so upset?” or “What happened to start this downfall?” It’d be so easy to blame my parents or society, but nah, it’s just my mind, being me, causing drama, for no reason at all.

I’ve been on anti-depressants before and I’m willing to try again. But know this,  my depression is not ever going to go away. My anxiety will always cause me to freak out over the dumbest things. That’s my DNA.

I believe in God and I believe I have a purpose on this planet. Maybe it’s so that other’s suffering from similar illnesses know that they’re not alone or maybe it’s just to bring joy to Sheldon’s life. Whatever my purpose may be, I am here and I suffer from mental illness.

life after gastric bypass

There is depression.

Anxiety.

But, there is also a new beginning.

Hope.

For me, there is dating.

Adventures.

You will lose friends, but you will gain new ones. Such is life.

An awakening happens.

For some it happens 6-9 months post surgery or like me, 2 years later, when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and realize for the first time, you’re a completely different person. I don’t think of myself as “skinny” and I’m constantly working towards being healthy, but I see myself now and think, “you did this, you actually fuckin’ DID this!!” I wear my weight loss like a badge of honor (of courage, strength, humility), and rightfully so, because I earned it. It’s a sign of how powerful I truly am when I set my mind on something. I have come so far and yet, I’ve got a long way to go. They don’t explain to you during your psych eval that part of your obesity “problem” is simply due to a lack of self-confidence. Your lack of confidence may have you hiding your emotions in food, and if you’re telling yourself right now, “no I just LOVE food” then I’d like to kindly point out that that, is an emotion. Confidence is a learned skill, it takes time, and if anybody reading this is considering weight loss surgery as a cure to fix their lack of confidence, I’ll tell you right now, it will not work. It’ll help, but it won’t fix it. You have to put in the work. Be diligent. Just know that you are worth the investment, the time. The decision to have weight loss surgery is 100% up to you. Yeah your family and friends may offer you encouragement, support, and stories (some may even try to discourage you), but it is entirely up to you if this is the right choice. Your life, your health, and your happiness depend on you and you alone.

Life after gastric bypass is crazy. Crazy weird, crazy insane, crazy FUN! I am meeting people, experiencing things, and changing for the better. I knew going in that my goal was to loss 200+ pounds…done. Now my goal is to create the life I deserve. I’m not sure what that exactly means just yet, but I hope you’ll stick around for the journey. 

   

living with anxiety.

What my
anxiety is: fear of not being enough; for everyone, all the time. 

Most people that know me, know that I live with a certain level of anxiety on a daily basis, but what does that even mean? To some they think it’s me being over dramatic & attention seeking, something that’s merely made up in my head. And there stems the problem; it is entirely in my head. For me though, living with anxiety means that I’m constantly in a battle with my brain trying to determine what’s logical & what’s simply just something I’ve conjured up. It’s telling myself you’re overreacting, but not knowing how to change it. It’s worrying about things that most people don’t think twice about. It’s feeling inadequate, bothersome, and a deep fear that people who don’t understand will give up on me. It doesn’t take much to set off my anxiety, the usual stressors are common: work, finances, and health. But it doesn’t end there, I get anxious if anything is out of my routine, like having to go somewhere I’ve never been, interacting with new people, and even going to get gas. In my mind, I have a guide, a map, a plan to how things are supposed to go and any little deter can set off my anxiety and leave me in disarray for days. I have irrational fears about things most people don’t think twice about & I refer to them as my “worst case scenarios.” They are a way in which I try to “talk myself down from the ledge.” I’ve been this way since I was young and am only now realizing how much this has affected my life. I am currently on medication to control the anxiety, but unfortunately it is merely a crutch. I need to learn to live with this disease without the aid of pills. A great friend of mine, provided me with Bible scriptures & a blog that deals with worry and anxiety and I’ve begun learning how to meditate. My ultimate goal is to be free of the medicine & to be able to control my anxiety on my own. Just the thought is giving me palpitations….on a final note, I wanted to say: The next time someone you know tells you they have anxiety, try to empathize with them. Don’t assume it’s them being dramatic or just wanting attention, because I promise you, they’re not. They just need someone who will listen to their fears & help them through it. You don’t have to offer solutions, but knowing that someone realizes the anxiety and validates my feelings, is 100% better than someone who dismisses them and states, “well she’s just being Megan!” 

1 Peter 5:6-8New International Version (NIV)   6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.